by Taylor Irwin

FSU’s Take On ‘Nice Guys vs. Assholes’ is Traumatizing Filth

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As a recent graduate of Florida State University, I must say that the following video not only makes me mortified to attach my name to my post-secondary institute of learning, it makes me terrified for the future of our generation. Recently, college video production company I’m Shmacked pieced together interviews from FSU’s near blackout student body, asking undergrads the age-old question: Who’s hotter, nice guys or assholes? As one would expect, there are a sprinkling of idiotic and messy responses – c’mon, it’s college – but the exorbitant number of messy responses here will leave you questioning whether the collective IQ of the participants is lower than their damn standards.

During one of the biggest football games of the year, Miami vs. FSU, an I’m Schmacked “reporter” jumped from tailgate to tailgate posing that douchey question, and was happily handed responses like, “Be a douche. Get a girl. Get laid. Let’s go.”

I can’t.

“Girls want someone to hold the door for them, but slap their ass on the way out. [Teehee],” said one girl midway through the video. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS, PEOPLE. And it’s also why misogyny and sexism runs rampant at campuses like FSU. It’s like the commonly used excuse, “If she calls herself a bitch, why can’t I?” And it’s true, if women speak of themselves like a piece of “ass,” then expect men to gladly do the same.

But this HAS to stop. In a recent Slate article (“College Women, Stop Getting Drunk”), Emily Yoffe argues that the rates of sexual abuse of women on college campuses has been rising thanks a binge-drinking party culture. That makes sense, but no one’s discussing the self-confidence and self-worth that these women attribute to themselves before getting “schmacked.” The less we think of ourselves, the more we drink to let go, the more we allow our asses “to get slapped on the way out.” Rinse and repeat.

So to everyone featured in this video, I’m absolutely talking to you when I say there is no shame in my shade right now: Grow up.

By the time you have finished watching the cross-eyed praises of douche bag commonplaces and the frat stars’ glorification of their disturbingly sexist antics, I have probably already doused my diploma in white-out, or thrown it into the less judgmental waters under the Brooklyn Bridge.

And if you can’t handle five minutes of pure filth, here are some of the more prophetic quotes from the Miami vs. FSU game day ::heavy eyeroll::

From the guy who LOVES monogamy:
“Fuck girlfriends. Fuck everything, okay? If you’re a nice guy, you’re fucked. It’s all about being an asshole, okay? Assholes love sluts. AHHHFGKFDFD”

This girl thought she would keep her advice short and so, so sweet:
“Dear Nice guys. Fuck you.”

And this guy who didn’t know what the interview was about, but he definitely loves to dance:
“Whoever’s trying to dance. I’m about dancing you know. Like, if you think about it, like – I’m just trying to dance.

Blondie aka Aristotle spits knowledge for everyone looking for a real connection:
“I mean if you’re an asshole, you obviously look good. He’s an asshole (points), but he doesn’t look good so I obviously wouldn’t hook up with him.”

And last but not least, we have this closing gem for which I actually have no words:
“I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re in the same dress – and it’s because we are not opposed to doing certain things with…(trails off awkwardly) An asshole, because generally they are just *hold up hands a foot apart* bigger. Oh my god, a nice guy? What are you going to do, buy me coffee? No. You have to get me drunk, and then we’ll do something. (Giggles)”

And the award for the WORST PERSON EVER goes to this keeper:
“Treat ‘em like dirt, they’ll stick to you like mud.”