With the proliferation of penis selfies hitting the internet these days (Carlos Danger! George Burgess!), we thought it time to educate men on dong-etiquette. After all, some photos we’ve seen have been pathetic – what exactly were you thinking taking a photo of your penis’s outline through your boxers, Weiner? Instead of allowing your penis pic to mar your reputation for years to come, here are some tips on sending the perfect sext…y’know the one even you’ll be proud of when it his the front page of The Post.
Good Penis Selfie: The Manscape
You make sure your facial scruff is perfectly preened before taking a safe for work selfie, right? So why not clean up your nether regions before aiming your camera down below? No need to shave everything (no one wants to see Ken doll’s peen) but a nice, clean mowing will do.
Manscape Rating: 8/10
Bad Penis Selfie: The Just-The-Tip
Just to be a clear, sharing a photo of half your penis does not make you a tease, it makes you terribly insecure. And if you’ve got junk in the front, stop selling yourself short.
Just-The-Tip Rating: 4/10
Bad Penis Selfie: The Coy Cock
The first wave of Weiner photos were insufferably pathetic because the mayoral hopeful didn’t even show us the goods. The underwear-still-on-in-my-dick-swag isn’t only a total cop out, it begs the question(s): Is your girlfriend’s name tattooed there? Do you have a weird curve thing that happens? ARE THERE VISIBLE OUTBREAKS?!
The Coy Cock Rating: 2/10
Good Penis Selfie: The Handful
We’re giving the handful selfie a thumbs up, as it has given many men the illusion of a long dong. You know what they say, penis in the hand is worth 10 in the bush…or something like that.
The Handful Rating: 8/10
Good Penis Selfie: The Mirror Shot
Unlike the handful penis pic, the full frontal mirror picture doesn’t leave for any illusions. This pose is reserved for the man that gives zero fucks.
The Mirror Shot Rating: 9/10