Women are batshit crazy. Trust me, I know…I live with four of them.
Ok, let me be fair: Women aren’t crazy, like, insanecrazy, they’re more differentcrazy. Like, when I think a house is spotless, women are in the corner pulling at their fingernails complaining about the dust and grit piling up everywhere. Or, when I’m fairly confident that a friend’s newest fling is “just not that into” them, they’re thinking “he is going to marry me!”
It’s our genetic makeup, an extra X chromosome for the ladies vs. a chiller Y chromosome for dudes, that makes a world of difference in how we comprehend reality. Since I can’t stop thinking about how mad my female friends are, I’ve outlined the 4 instances in which a girl friend of mine has had me scratching my head like “WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU ARE CRAZY.” Tell me this sounds familiar:
1.) Sorry But…He Doesn’t Love You
And this is the most common WTF. As a 20-something guy with a host of guy friends, let me confirm that we’re not super keen on settling down any time soon. New York’s a fun place with a lot of pretty people, so if we get the chance to sleep around a little, we will. If your newest fling is taking a coupla days to text you back, or is super awkward about you at his place, he’s not that into you. I’m happy you had a really wonderful time on the Hudson, or at dinner, or atop the Standard, but if he’s not sending you texts until days after, consider him a player. Be cool with it, or break it off. But stop whining and get in the game!
2.) Think This Will Make Me Fat?
Yes I do, but what do you really expect me to say? We’re both comforted by my politesse, but we both know that I’m lying. So, why are we even fronting? It’s weird.
3.) Nope, No One Cares
Women: “Think anyone will care if I wear a skirt to this dinner, and not a dress?” Me: “Nope, I don’t.”
Women: “Think it’s ghetto to bring beer to the party, and not champagne?” Me: Nope.
And you know why? Because NO ONE CARES, and if they do, THEY SUCK and I don’t want to go to their party.
4.) Why. Are. You. Crying?
Women are criers. They cry when they’re happy, they cry when they’re sad, and in the case of Kristen Bell and the sloth, they cry for no reason at all. The hard part for men is figuring out what to do when the faucets are turned on. Most of the time, I’m so confused that I get all uncomfortable and awkwardly pat her on the back. Yes, SUCH a guy thing to do…but, c’mon, WHY ARE YOU CRYING ANYWAY?
Would love to hear a woman’s response! Feel free to send to our Contributor Series by emailing: editorial@swaggernewyork.com
i love your gifs. when are you coming back to hawaii so me, you, and breezy can tear up the instagrams again? or you too big-time now? xo
Instead of patting us on the back say simply”How can I help to make you feel better?
Instead of patting her on the back simply ask”How can I make you feel better?”
Because men can have different personalities and traits and think differently, and women are all the same person who has no clue what logic is.
Get out of here with that stupid sexist shit.
Hey, thanks for mansplaining all that to me. Thanks, also, for reinforcing all stereotypes, ever. Women, en toto, are not crazy, needy, fat, vapid, emotionalists who are just looking for a man. Clue up. And start valuing the women (and men) in your life as complete and complex humans.